


Always (Let Me Love U)

by babyunyun (taeilnism)



Series: Always you. [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Love, Friendship/Love, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad and Beautiful, hendery best friend, more narration, overcoming, sad ten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-29 08:11:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20432351
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeilnism/pseuds/babyunyun
Summary: One year after Kun's death, Ten finds himself trapped in a sadness that only he was left after everyone overcame. With the help of his friends and an unexpected gift, he comes to see the world differently.





	Always (Let Me Love U)

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language so sorry for the mistakes.  
Must have read Say it to continue this story and i recommend reading listening to [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5RY8TfemcXjnOoIaQLGOPS?si=chwubOffSAK-4NSdndL-Nw)

Ten was sitting in the corner of his room, shivering, his leg ached like it was breaking again, and a cold wind freezing his bones. He couldn't even scream for Hendery or pick up his cell phone in bed to call Sicheng, but the only name he could speak was Kun.

It had been a year since his death. A year and Ten thought he was over his grief after the ninth month, but there he was holding on to Kun's ghost, and what hurt the most about Ten was that the only memory left of him was a shirt that he only wore once. He had nothing else to hold on to because his career was heading for the manhole and he no longer felt like fighting for her, spent his days in his bedroom or some dance studio trying and it was no use to him if it passed to the job since he felt he would never be the same Ten as before in the dance.

Hendery walked into Ten's room and saw his scene cringing like a child in the corner of the room next to the bed, touched his forehead that was burning with fever and raving and Hendery didn't know what else to do with seeing Ten sinking deeper and deeper in his mourning for Kun and it wasn't as if everyone wasn't missing their friend, but Hendery knew Ten felt more and couldn't say what he was feeling.

"Ten, Ten." Hendery was holding Ten's face trying to bring the older man's attention to him.

''Kun...''

"Ten-ge, let's get under the shower now you're stinging with fever." Hendery put Ten's arm around his neck and pulled him around the waist supporting his weight on his body and taking him to the bathroom, sitting the older one inside the empty bathtub and turning on the shower.

Hendery wanted to call Sicheng, but couldn't leave Ten there alone so he took off his older man's clothes and let the water fall over his head and realized that Ten was crying.

"I know it hurts, but I have to get your fever down," Hendery said, running a hand over Ten's back and walking over to the bathroom cabinet where they had the medicine box and taking the fever medicine to Ten. 

Hendery had never seen himself being so responsible at that time, usually this whole responsibility was his Geges, and he also wanted to cry and scream to fate as he was unfair to them all, but he couldn't. His best friend needed him and he would help him wherever and whenever he went. 

"Here, I'll get you a towel and a glass of water for you to swallow the pill." Hendery turned off the shower and ran for a glass of water and a towel to return to the bathroom.

Ten didn't know if he was cold, in pain, or if the hole in his chest was engulfing him from the inside out and he didn't seem to care since he felt that way every day. He felt Hendery lifting him and rolling the towel leading him into the bedroom and thought that a while ago he would feel a little humiliated about being in this situation of dependence, but today he didn't care.

''Can you wear your clothes alone? I'll call Sicheng-ge'' Hendery looked at Ten and got up to get his phone and dialed the number of Sicheng and talking what was happening and in 7 minutes Sicheng was knocking on the door of the apartment.

Ten hadn't even moved to put on the clothes Hendery had requested, he looked at Sicheng and began to cry. Sicheng saw a Ten he had never seen and looked at Hendery who looked scared and tired from this situation.

''Ten?'' Sicheng sat on the bed next to him ''Let's take you to the doctor to pass your leg pain and observe your fever, ok?''

"He's still naked," Hendery said, uncomfortable with his friend.

''He's out of strength and in pain, let's help him.'' Sicheng said and Hendery went to Ten's drawers to get him an outfit.

The two dressed Ten and took him to Sicheng's car, the boy cried a little and when Hendery asked he just mumbled that it was the leg, but the younger knew it was much more than that. Ten had placed himself at the deep end of the well and blocking any of his friends from removing him. It all started when he failed to complete a choreography and each time he failed he became angry and then locked himself further into a closed world that even Hendery couldn't get into.

And there they were back at the same hospital. Ten was taken for tests and then to the bed where he was medicated and ended up sleeping.

''I'm worried'' Hendery said seeing the expression of Ten sleeping so serene ''He called for... for Kun''

''Ten has always buried feelings, dealing with the phase of denial can be so long that it can break the person into several pieces.'' Sicheng sighed. "I miss him every day. He was my best friend and taught me to see the world more kindly... I also don't understand why good people always leave first and why Kun...''

Sicheng felt tears run down his face and Hendery put a hand on his shoulder comforting him.

''Kun left good things for all of us, he wouldn't want us to stop living and get stuck in bad feelings... He left his legacy, but I miss him every day.'' Sicheng finished and smiled at Hendery.

The younger boy was comforted by Sicheng's words and realized that Kun really would not want any of his friends to live sadly or indulge in darkness because this was not something Kun would do.

~

Ten opened his eyes and saw the white ceiling that was not his bedroom, then saw that there was all that hospital equipment around him and mentally berated himself for reaching his peak even though he didn't remember. He saw that Hendery was eating a sandwich and fiddling with his cell phone and cleared his throat to get the younger one's attention.

''You woke up, how do you feel?'' Hendery got up, putting the phone in his pocket and took a last bite of the sandwich going to throw the paper in the trash and going back to the bed of Ten ''Still in pain?''

"A little on leg and head," Ten replied.

"Okay, I'll call the nurse," Hendery said.

"Hendery, sorry to make you go through this," Ten said and Hendery gave a sad smile.

"You're going home today, it was just a night of observation. Sicheng will take us and the boys are there waiting for us with a good meal.'' Hendery replied trying to cheer Ten and getting a weak smile back. ''You have to react, Ten-ge.''

''I know.'' Ten answered more to himself than to Hendery.

When the doctor arrived with Ten's release to go home, the recommendation was intensive physical therapy and some kind of exercise not to let seizures come back as strong as this one, and Ten could do nothing but dance. Dancing was his only exercise and he didn't feel able to do it again. 

Sicheng was waiting for Ten and Hendery at the hospital reception to take them home and tried his best to be positive for Ten, but he himself was already exhausted trying to be positive and had never felt so overwhelmed as last month because Kun used to be his support anytime and now he had no one but Ten, Hendery, XiaoJun, Yukhei and YangYang to lean on. But he didn't know how and somehow he felt he had become what the boys were looking for in Kun and it was starting to scare him.

"They're all in your house, let's eat a lot and laugh," Sicheng said and smiled at Hendery who was cheering up.

"I'm starving," Hendery said, opening the backseat door for Ten to enter. "Please, my lord."

Ten just rolled his eyes and got in, closing the car door himself and then laughing at how Hendery could naturally be happy in the most difficult situations. In fact, if Hendery had ever cried in her life beyond Kun's funeral, he had never seen and he watched Sicheng step into the driver's side with a more mature firmer look than he had ever seen before. Everyone had changed during that year, everyone found a way to move on with their feelings. 

Everyone except him.

YangYang opened the door smilingly watching the others arrive with Ten and XiaoJun also smiled to see that he was better. Yukhei was in the kitchen cutting the meat to put to roast and gave a cheer when he saw Ten sitting on the couch next to XiaoJun who set the guitar on the floor to make room for Sicheng to sit too. 

"Ten-ge." YangYang came out of Hendery's room holding a shoe box and reached for Ten.

"Why do I want a Hendery shoe?" Ten frowned at the box and YangYang.

''It's from Kun'' XiaoJun replied ''It was together in the things we donated to that shelter and the place coordinator found seeing that it was not a pair of shoes and returned a couple of months ago... YangYang lost inside his room and we found these days when his mother visited us and had him clean the room.''

"I don't want that," Ten said quietly, swallowing the lump in his throat.

''It has your name inside the box and some pen drives and photos'' YangYang said ''I mean, we didn't see the contents, we saw your name and we closed.''

Everyone was silent waiting for some reaction from Ten. He took the box from YangYang and in his hands seemed to weigh a ton he did not know if he would have the courage to open to see.

"We thought it was right to give it to you after we saw it was something personal of both of you," XiaoJun said and looked at Ten.

''How did you get over it?'' Ten asked dropping a tear into the box.

Yukhei, who was watching everything from the balcony that separated the kitchen from the living room, broke the silence.

''Kun wanted us happy and that's what we are trying to be for him. We all suffer so much, Ten-ge, we all miss him.'' The taller of the group looked up and sighed ''Life goes on and we need to live so that in the end everything was valid.''

YangYang and Hendery just nodded and XiaoJun stared at the floor thoughtfully.

"It wasn't you who were in that car with him," Ten began to say.

"No, we weren't, but we were in the hospital every day with him and you. We were not experiencing the physical pain of the accident, but the pain of seeing our two friends in a hospital bed suffering.'' Yukhei interrupted Ten who stared at him ''I went through the phase that you are now and it is not easy and it hurts a lot, but deep down, I knew that my best friend was watching over me wherever he was and it gave me strength.''

''I can't'' Ten replied still looking at Yukhei who just pointed to the box and turned his attention to the meat that was roasting.

''You can't change the past, Ten.'' Sicheng said and Ten just nodded.

Dinner mood improved after XiaoJun played a few songs while YangYang and Hendery danced like two fools and everyone was amazed at how Yukhei knew how to roast meat and make rice, but just here wasn't enough to fill their hungry belly which resulted in two large pizzas. When XiaoJun, YangYang, and Yukhei said they would have to leave due to their commitments the next day, it wasn't long before Sicheng left for his home, so the apartment was only Ten and Hendery again.

"So..." Hendery returned from the kitchen where he had stored the dishes YangYang had washed before leaving.

''So what?'' Ten asked. "I'm going to sleep and rest as the doctor said."

''The doctor recommended exercise and the box, won't you open?'' Hendery pointed to the box on the floor next to the couch where Ten had placed it.

''That's none of your business, Wong Kunhang.'' Ten replied taking the box from the floor and going to his room.

"Ungrateful" Hendery said, turning off the lights and going to his room.

That night Ten took his prescribed medicine and slept as soon as he lay in bed without even opening the box he had received from YangYang.

**1 week later**

Sicheng and Ten were sitting on a stool under a tree in the square in front of the dance studio that Sicheng worked while eating ice cream and watching people pass by.

"I referred you to work in the studio too." Sicheng licked his ice cream like a child.

"Sicheng," Ten said, and Sicheng just rolled his eyes.

"Are you going to live teaching English on the internet and for people who want nothing?"

"I can't dance," Ten replied.

''And sing?'' Sicheng asked now biting the ice cream cone.

''I don't know.''

"You didn't open the box, did you?" Sicheng stared at Ten.

''No. Do you know what's inside?'' Ten asked curiously.

"Pen drives and photos, that's what YangYang said," the taller answered.

"You seem to know more than you are talking about," Ten said suspiciously of the smile on Sicheng's face. ''Sicheng...''

''Hmm?''

''Have you and Kun had any involvement other than friendship?'' Ten asked and Sicheng laughed so loudly that some people looked at them.

"Are you kidding me, Ten Chittaphon?"

''No?'' Ten said ''I don't know, it would make perfect sense since I hurt him and everything.''

''I'm no escape from anyone, look at my face... I'm too handsome to be second choice'' Sicheng pointed to his face convinced ''Kun was too romantic and waited for you even if he made some escapades with other people, but he always ended up coming here in the studio in weekends and recorded some songs and then put in a pen drive.''

Ten finished the ice cream that was already melting by his hand and heard Sicheng laughing at his question about him and Kun.

''Do you think that...''

''I think you should open the box and see the world in Kun's vision, he left it to you.'' Sicheng completed and Ten agreed. "Want to sing something in the studio? It's lunch time, no one's going there.''

Ten looked at Sicheng and agreed to try. They crossed the street and entered the building where Sicheng led him into the singing room and turned the stereo on to Ten and smiled encouragingly.

"Sing a song that speaks for you now," Sicheng said and Ten took a deep breath.

Singing was the second thing he most enjoyed doing, the first thing was dancing, and he hadn't been singing in a while, but he was beginning to realize that he needed to shed some of the weight on his chest.

''Do you have _Yesterday_ instrumental? The Beatles...'' Ten asked and Sicheng fiddled with the computer and made a thumbs up. ''Ok, you can press play.''

When Ten started singing it was as if he had never stopped singing, it seemed like he had sung all those months when he was trapped in darkness and the lyrics were exactly what he felt at that moment. In the end, tears came out wetting his face feeling his whole body tremble and left the studio and Sicheng just hugged him comforting him.

"You were great," Sicheng said, and Ten continued to cry.

''I can't do that anymore. I'm not good for dancing and singing'' Ten said walking away from Sicheng and left leaving home.

x x x

Ten was sitting on the couch holding the box when Hendery came into the house.

"I can't do this on my own," Ten said and Hendery sat next to Ten in agreement with him.

''Ok. Do you want me to open it for you?'' Hendery asked.

"No, calm down, let me breathe," Ten replied.

''Fine''

About five minutes passed and Ten let out a sigh and opened the box. On the lid was the corner written Ten's name in Chinese.

_''To: Li Yongqin''_

"Poetic," Hendery said. "Typical of Kun-ge."

''Hendery...''

''Sorry.'' Hendery said and Ten took a picture that was evidence that he and Ten took in Sicheng's car when he bought it and smiled to remember that day. Kun wore a white cap and white blouse and Ten loved when he wore a cap and that day even Ten wore a cap.

Another picture of him and Kun when they came back a second time. They had gone to a park to sunbathe and they took pictures where Ten made montages to post and he could not believe that Kun had printed those pictures. There were four pen drives in the box along with the photos, and one of them had written playlist in a tight letter to fit the word.

"There's a playlist," Ten said, holding the pen drive in his hand.

''Do you want to hear?'' Hendery asked.

''Yes...''

''I think you should listen alone, it's very personal and look I've seen you naked, but that seems to be even more so.'' Hendery said and got up ''I'm going to take a shower and watch a movie so anything you call.''

''Thank you, Hendery. Really.'' Ten said and Hendery felt he was more sincere than usual and smiled before going to his room.

Ten went to his room to get his notebook and plugged in the flash drive. He put on the headphones and opened the playlist folder named with his name and saw that there were 11 songs from various artists and played and kept looking at the photos in the box.

Ten realized that in each verse of the photos there was the title of the songs that were in the playlist and then he put together the photos in order of the songs and the photos that had the song titles on the back formed the playlist and just the first photo they took together Kun dedicated _Weak _by_ Wet _and the last photo they took together before Ten left Kun for someone he met at a party and claimed it was love at first sight he put _Autumn Leaves _by _Ed Sheeran_. 

Ten's favorite photo was there when they were Sicheng's first dance performance and Kun wore glasses and his hair was platinum blonde and Ten was not tired of kissing and complimenting how beautiful he was that day and when he turned the picture was written _This Side of Paradise _by_Coyote Theory. _Ten finished listening to the playlist, and his face and neck were already wet from crying when he decided to put in the second pen drive. 

There were videos recorded by Kun of Ten's rehearsals that he was present and all just focused on Ten and some of them Ten heard Kun's laugh and the murmurs of 'is my boyfriend, he's amazing.' Those videos made Ten see through Kun's vision and how, despite everything, Kun saw him in a way full of love and admiration as Ten could never see himself. Hearing Kun's laugh and his face filming as he spoke of Ten and smiling when Ten smiled back at him made his heart race and think he would dehydrate from crying.

He was finally finding the strength to move on and once again Kun was the one who was doing this to him. He would day after day try to see himself the way Kun saw him and how Kun expected him to be. Ten put the third pen drive and there were only pictures of them and some with the boys and the last pen drive had a video, a single video that Ten played and Kun appeared talking sitting in front of his piano but holding a guitar in his lap.

_‘’I don't know if I'll ever give it to you or if I'll sing this song for you, but I put all my feeling into the lyrics. Sometimes I don't understand why you run away from me, run away of your feelings and yourself... Ten, I wanted to say that I hate you for all the times you hurt me, but I can't. I can't hate anyone. I can't hate you. I just want one day to be able to forgive you and make you love yourself more because I know you charge yourself for thinking you are not good or that you are not able to do anything. Anyway, this song I wrote for you is called Let Me Love U._

_Have a good life, Tenten. ll always be here when you need a friend or something. Love you like the moon loves the sun.’’_

Kun's words were replaced by the melody coming out of the guitar and his sweet voice. Ten could feel that Kun was close to him at the moment and the lyrics were beautiful and even a bit tacky, but that was exactly what Ten loved about Kun and was what he never admitted to himself as Kun's comfort scared him because he was afraid of feeling trapped so intimately because for Ten he couldn't give Kun a love that he didn't feel for himself. 

At the end of the video Kun smiled at the camera showing his dimples and Ten paused to look at that smile once more and erase the image of a dead Kun that had lingered in his mind. That was the way he wanted to remember the person who taught him to love each passing day and Ten would be happy and have a good life as Kun had said. Forgiveness and seeing him through Kun eyes would help him get out of that deep hole he had placed himself in and finally the emptiness he felt during the last year was beginning to be covered.

He would have a good life from that day.

**Author's Note:**

> Ten was inspired by: Yesterday - The Beatles; Happy Ending - MIKA; Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol  
you can find me on [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/yunyangs) <3 lets talk


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